I have spent my days stringing and unstringing my instrument, while the song I came to sing remains unsung. ~Tagore
I feel like the last couple of months have been a giant ball of emotions for me. I've gone up and down with so many situations, things and people. It's been quite a ride for someone who is so used to being the rock of reason. I can usually tip the scales to get the balance of rightness I need in my life, but when things come at a barreling pace its hard to remain so strong on that tightrope. Definitely not as dramatic as it sounds, but still overwhelming to me.
It's always so disconcerting when people who you let into the inner chambers of your heart do something, say something...or do nothing to affect you aversely. I dont like letting vulnerabilities show and when they do, I let my humor take over.
I've learned that having high expectations for others is one of my biggest flaws. This has come up a lot lately. Some people can shrug off dissapointments and say que sera, sera. But when I invest time with you, I'm sharing a part of myself with you, and when that is shrugged away or taken for granted...it stings. Everytime I put myself out there in some capacity and get my trust broken, it is starting to leave deeper indentations. Hopefully its not leaving wrinkles too.
I think I'm at a weird time in my life where words, silence, action or inaction feel magnified. The little things are starting to get to me. Am I turning crazy? Perhaps. I dont like the feeling of fragility and of holding back who I am. But its natural I guess to protect myself. I am definitely a part of the issue. When things don't always go the way you want them to be, its easy to be bratty or paint yourself the victim. That's just something I dont buy.
The people I most admire in life are those who struggle and bounce back. I've always been drawn to resilience in others. People who don't let their circumstances or situations define them. People who you can count on when the chips fall, when things are at there worst, who just dont walk away from the situation because its too messy. People that dig roots and hold to them strong when there's a storm overhead. I think I've just described my parents, but I guess they are pretty much who I want to be when I grow up.
I hope my generation and the ones that follow will not lose old school morals. I hope they still hold a place today, because I know I'm trying to cling on to them. Helping your neighbor, being loyal and just thinking past yourself. It's scary when you can't trust someone you thought you knew. Pulling the wool out of your eyes and all that. I guess it's a part of growing up, but that also makes me sad. Someone told me I was 12 years old going on 45. I think there may be some truth in that even though I said "eww" when told this. Maybe I want to capture how in harmony things were when I was 12 years old. I know everything wasn't perfect back then, but it felt less scary. It's weird that I'm starting to become the narrator in the Wonder Years- the older brown girl version of Kevin Arnold. That is all.
I feel like the last couple of months have been a giant ball of emotions for me. I've gone up and down with so many situations, things and people. It's been quite a ride for someone who is so used to being the rock of reason. I can usually tip the scales to get the balance of rightness I need in my life, but when things come at a barreling pace its hard to remain so strong on that tightrope. Definitely not as dramatic as it sounds, but still overwhelming to me.
It's always so disconcerting when people who you let into the inner chambers of your heart do something, say something...or do nothing to affect you aversely. I dont like letting vulnerabilities show and when they do, I let my humor take over.
I've learned that having high expectations for others is one of my biggest flaws. This has come up a lot lately. Some people can shrug off dissapointments and say que sera, sera. But when I invest time with you, I'm sharing a part of myself with you, and when that is shrugged away or taken for granted...it stings. Everytime I put myself out there in some capacity and get my trust broken, it is starting to leave deeper indentations. Hopefully its not leaving wrinkles too.
I think I'm at a weird time in my life where words, silence, action or inaction feel magnified. The little things are starting to get to me. Am I turning crazy? Perhaps. I dont like the feeling of fragility and of holding back who I am. But its natural I guess to protect myself. I am definitely a part of the issue. When things don't always go the way you want them to be, its easy to be bratty or paint yourself the victim. That's just something I dont buy.
The people I most admire in life are those who struggle and bounce back. I've always been drawn to resilience in others. People who don't let their circumstances or situations define them. People who you can count on when the chips fall, when things are at there worst, who just dont walk away from the situation because its too messy. People that dig roots and hold to them strong when there's a storm overhead. I think I've just described my parents, but I guess they are pretty much who I want to be when I grow up.
I hope my generation and the ones that follow will not lose old school morals. I hope they still hold a place today, because I know I'm trying to cling on to them. Helping your neighbor, being loyal and just thinking past yourself. It's scary when you can't trust someone you thought you knew. Pulling the wool out of your eyes and all that. I guess it's a part of growing up, but that also makes me sad. Someone told me I was 12 years old going on 45. I think there may be some truth in that even though I said "eww" when told this. Maybe I want to capture how in harmony things were when I was 12 years old. I know everything wasn't perfect back then, but it felt less scary. It's weird that I'm starting to become the narrator in the Wonder Years- the older brown girl version of Kevin Arnold. That is all.